


Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

by Paradis_Mort



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aromantic, CIA agent Hercules Mulligan, Multi, Polyamory, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 08:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6651388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradis_Mort/pseuds/Paradis_Mort
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a CIA agent was much more boring than Hollywood made it out to be; except when you're trying to keep your real job a secret from three significant others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from a Panic! at the Disco song with the same name

“How the actual fuck do you keep changing your ringtone on my phone Cato.” Mulligan growled as he shut the car door with a little more force than necessary.

“Good morning to you too.” She dead paned, turning on the engine.

A quick glance at the watch showed it was still four in the morning, like it had been last time she checked. Not that she had any problem with being awake at all hours of the day, nature of the job and everything. But there was something fundamentally human about hating being awake and driving at four AM.

The drive over to Fairfax usually took a little less than four. They had been called down to their headquarters to get their new assignments. Just another check-in with their grumpy old supervisor and maybe they’d get roped into filling out some paper work if they were unlucky.

“Make sure we pass by Starbucks. I need coffee.” Mulligan demanded like a whiny baby after a few minutes of silent driving.

“Don’t you have like a stupid expensive espresso machine at home?” she tutted, already readjusting her route to get to the nearest drive through.

“It’s noisy, didn’t want to wake anyone up.”

“Oh my god Mulligan you fucking sap.” Cato sighed dramatically. “How are the signifs by the way?”

She’d never met the group she privately called the Terrible Trio, only heard stories. Cato still remembers having to listen to the absolute angst fest that was the start of Lafayette and Mulligan’s relationship. The pining had been bad enough the first time, but then of course Laurens had come along and presented a whole new set of problems for Mulligan’s romantic life.

By the time Hamilton had popped up in a whirl of bar fights and loud public speaking, she was already used to having Mulligan vent his romantic troubles at her. Honestly it was rather amusing listening to the man’s usual bravado and confidence make way for an uncertain blushing cutie.

Romance wasn’t his strong suit, and neither was wooing it seemed. Yet he had, mostly through the determined efforts of the Terrible Trio, managed to land a pretty amazing relationship with the others.

That meant that Cato had to hear about them a lot more than she would have liked, but after a year of hearing about the same people one could get rather attached. Plus, it was always funny to hear about who else Hamilton had decided to publicly destroy that week.

“They’re all doing great, though I haven’t been able to spend that much time with any of them because of the Liegeman affair.”

Mulligan seemed obviously disgruntled by that, something Cato only knew because it was four in the morning and he wasn’t really hiding any of his tells. Not that it would make a difference if he did.

“Lafayette just started a yoga group for trans and non-binary teens though. John was so excited and proud he made turtle shaped cookies for all of them.”

“That’s adorable.”

“Yeah, he is. The kids seemed really happy with the whole thing. Had to stop Alex from trying to adopt all of them though…” Mulligan went on talking about his significant others’ achievements with obvious affection.

Cato had never truly been able to understand her partner’s romances. She knew how they happened, obviously. But it was another matter entirely for her to actually empathize with Mulligan. Romance had always seemed like some weird far off thing that only ever happened to other people.

Sex on the other hand was simple, uncomplicated, part of the job, part of life, and a really fun hobby. It was something she enjoyed on a day to day basis. Being in a relationship was such an entirely unappealing concept to Cato; it just seemed so absolutely exhausting.

That never seemed like an issue that her partner ever faced. The more time he spent with his civilian boyfriends the more focused and efficient he was. Mulligan really would have made a terrible spy under the old rules.

Pulling up to the speaker of the drive through, Cato lowered her window and leaned out.

“Hi welcome to Starbucks what can I get you today?”

“Large espresso macchiato and a passion fruit iced tea, also large.” She ordered, barely listening to the price as she dug around her bag for her wallet.

“Is one of those for me?” Mulligan groused. He still looked asleep, even after forty minutes of driving.

“Don’t worry your majesty you’re getting the coffee.”

Once they had their drinks, they spent the next two hours in silence.

There really wasn’t much you could say to a person you knew so well. Three years of being super spy partners didn’t leave the option of not knowing every single one of the other person’s quirks and oddities. They’re tells and subtle signs, speech patterns: all things that are useful on an undercover mission.

Of course that kind of relationship did leave some pretty gaping holes of knowledge. Things that civilians in Mulligan’s life would know, like what his favourite movie was or even his first name.

Cato could obviously look at his file to find out that last one, agents often went by different names at work. Her last partner had been a man who liked to be called Edward Walker. The man’s actual name was Charles Lee, and like his fake name suggested he had been a complete and utter tool, and not an imaginative one at that.

Of course after the Lee fiasco, administration had said agents were allowed to make up their first name, just not their last. So Mulligan obviously hadn’t been lying when they were first introduced to each other, but the first name he had given had to be a joke.

She herself only went by Cato. Being called “Yessika” by anyone other than her family felt weird and far too personal.

“What do you think Skinner will give us next?” Mulligan asked, breaking the hours of silence.

“Obviously nothing to do with the Russians.”

“Aren’t you even a little upset about that?” he asked after a thoughtful pause, openly staring at her with hints of concern.

Katya Zamolodchikova: a gorgeous tall Russian woman with legs that went on for miles, Cato’s fuck buddy for months on end, and a Russian SVR agent. That last one had really put a damper on their relationship when the fact had come to light.

Of course neither of them had known the other was a secret agent until recently, they’d only been using each other for sex after all. So all in all it had been a giant coincidence. Their bosses had agreed to not revisit the incident and let it slide.

Mulligan and Cato had never really talked about her relationships though, mainly because she’d never had one. Not a romantic one at least. There really was no reason for Mulligan to know she was aromantic, especially if he had the image of an aromantic as being some sexless emotionless creature. A stereotype obviously, as Cato was the farthest person from sexless ever.

“I’m aro dude.” She said, trying to keep her voice from sounding too snide. “I really was just banging her.”

“Oh.” There was the concern gone, thankfully. “Wait so you’re telling me you’ve been accidentally sleeping with an SVR agent for months?”

“The fucking wasn’t accidental,” she joked, smirking, “But yes neither of us knew who the other actually was.”

“Jesus, this is some Hollywood movie shit.” Mulligan chuckled warmly. “I swear there’s a movie about it already.”

Cato had always like how easily he accepted things. Well, things that didn’t matter. She’d essentially just come out to him as aro and here they were chatting along as usual.

She laughed along with him, casually cutting in front of a horrible driver and his shitty FIAT.

They got to the headquarters at around eight.

As spies, walking straight into the building through the front doors would have attracted too much attention. The headquarters for the CIA were after all, easily found using google. Instead, they went into a fake storefront that lead into the main building through an underground tunnel.

The inside of the building was crisp and clean, but not much to look at. Save for a handful of necessary permanent employees, everyone else came and went into HQ like a revolving door. You never really saw the same people every time you went to headquarters.

Of course the nature of their job and delicacy of the information they handled meant no one had a fixed office; so Skinner had sent them a text with his temporary location earlier that morning. Like usual the room was barren and utilitarian, much like the man himself.

Walking into the office they were greeted by the old man that had been part of the CIA for an age and a half. It clearly showed on his wrinkled face too, small light scars peppered his skin, and thin wispy white hair barely clung to his scalp.

Despite his age his dark eyes were sharp and intelligent, and his voice, like a foghorn, commanded the attention of those around him. He was the kind of man you’d see in old film noir movies with a cigar permanently stuck between his yellowing teeth.

In fact he probably would be smoking all the time if the building allowed him to. Cato imagined his apartment, aside from being horribly decorated, would smell heavily of cigar smoke.

“Mulligan, Cato, sit down.” The senior grumbled not bothering to look up from his work.

They sat down in the plastic chairs in front of the desk and waited. They’d learnt from experience not to rush the man, lest they incur his wrath. And with the whole Katya affair, Cato was making an effort not to seem her usual arrogant self.

Skinner had practically been a god send during that whole debacle, despite his increased grumpiness. No other supervisor would have let it slide as easily as he had. So Cato thought it best not to test the man.

“I’m going to give you two jobs children.” Skinner finally said, still shuffling through his files. “First, you’re going to drive that thing you kids call a car to DC and go pickpocket Ambassador John Adams. Take all his valuables and give them to me.”

Cato and Mulligan exchanged a look.

“May I ask… why? Sir?” Mulligan spoke up hesitantly.

“Little shit thinks he’s above the secret service. I want to see the look on his face when I give him back his cellphone.” Skinner deadpanned, staring directly into Mulligan’s soul.

“The other task?” Cato cut in, knowing from experience that the staring could go on indefinitely.

“Has nothing to do with the Russians so don’t look too excited agent.” That was a low blow. But if anyone had the right to use that against her it was definitely Skinner. “You’ll be laying low in New York and keeping your ears open. I’m expecting reports every week.”

“How long will we be doing that?”

“As long as I want you to. Now leave me alone I have to call MI6.” And with a wave of his wrinkly hand Skinner dismissed them.

They made their way back to the car in companionable silence.

Cato could only imagine how thrilled Mulligan was with their current assignment. Sleeper agent duties for an undisclosed amount of time after six months of back to back missions must have been a dream come true. A chance to spend more quality time with the signifs.

As for herself, she was a little disgruntled that she had been the one to put them on the bench indefinitely. More than that she was frustrated that she had been condemned to inaction. Still, it could have been worse.

The duo got DC pretty quickly, the traffic allowing them to weave through the streets of the city with ease. They parked near the Dutch embassy where their target was currently attending some meeting or other, and decided to wait on the campus of the university next door.

They plopped down on the grass and waited for Adams to leave the building.

“When do you reckon Skinner will retire?”

“When’s the next time you’re going to have an affair with an SVR agent?”

“Oh please Mulligan, affair makes it sound like feelings were involved.”

“Hmm.” Her partner hummed, lazily scanning his surroundings. “Hey isn’t that the car you cut off this morning?”

Looking up, Cato saw the shitty little lime green FIAT she had passed by on the highway earlier that day. She wasn’t surprised Mulligan had spotted it, it was their job to notice patterns after all. It was amusing that the car would pop up again though.

“Who on earth buys a FIAT panda in America?”

“Lafayette likes FIATS.”

“Yeah well I bet they also like Mini’s, so-”

“Is that Adams?”

Cato squinted at the sight of the tiny little man walking out of the embassy. Every time she saw the ambassador to the Netherlands she immediately thought of pancakes. Or waffles. Something about the flabby man just seemed to scream breakfast foods.

Adams’ appearance aside, they had come there to steal his valuables. Luckily for them he appeared to be walking towards their general direction. He didn’t seem too sharp; not that intelligence would have helped him if two CIA agents really set their minds to taking his shit.

As it was, Cato got up and turned to pull up Mulligan. Already in her mind she was forming a strategy to steal as much from the politician as possible.

“Couples approach?” she asked, smiling as she slipped into the character of a ditzy naïve woman.

“Sure thing Cato.” Mulligan answered, throwing one toned arm over her shoulder and smiling sweetly as he too put on a character.

They started walking towards Adams, making sure to appear to the world like a couple completely engrossed in each other. They pretended to talk about some trivial things and Cato took the opportunity to slip her hand into Mulligan’s back pocket.

The man really did have glorious muscles, and his ass was no exception. So what if she took advantage of the situation to feel up her partner a little, the man was gorgeous.

As they got closer to Adams, Mulligan ducked his head and pressed a sweet kiss to Cato’s lips so that they walked right into the man. He dropped his bag, sending all his papers flying over the sidewalk.

“Oh my god are you okay?” she asked with feigned concern, putting on a nasally voice. They’d rammed into him pretty hard and sent him sprawling.

“Here let me get your things.” Mulligan bent over and started retrieving all the politician’s papers as the man himself huffed and puffed in annoyance.

“Really, you young people need to pay more attention to your surroundings!” he spluttered indignantly, his face becoming a comical shade of red. “That was not appropriate public behaviour.”

“Well it’s not our fault old farts like you are such prudes!” Cato sighed in faux exasperation, crossing her arms and stamping her foot.

“I’ll have you know young lady I am the ambassador to the Netherlands and I will not be talked to like this!” Adams spluttering increased as he got up and pointed a meaty little finger at her.

Obviously she was riling him up on purpose, but it had been a lot easier to do than she had anticipated. She could understand why Skinner would call this man a piece of shit.

“I’m so sorry about all of this sir.” Mulligan quickly cut in, looking frantic and a little desperate to leave. Fidgeting slightly, he handed over the satchel with all the documents neatly inside.

“You’d better be!” the man ripped the bag out of Mulligan’s hands. “And you should both learn what respect means!”

And with an indignant huff, the man waffled down the rest of the street. Once he was out of sight, they started making their way back to the car.

Side eyeing Mulligan, she saw that he was back to his outwardly calm, bordering on bored, neutral expression. She’d always appreciated how quickly her partner could slip between characters and back to himself.

The flustered apologetic boyfriend from earlier had disappeared in the blink of an eye, replaced by CIA agent, tailor spy, Mulligan. Calm, cool, and collected.

“What did we get?” she asked, losing the nasally quality in her voice she had put on earlier.

“Cellphone, wallet, car keys, a fountain pen with his name engraved on it, and a USB stick.”

“Nice.”

Congratulating themselves on a job well done, they drove back to HQ and dropped off Adams’ things in Skinner’s office. Unfortunately, their boss hadn’t been in to give them the usual wordless dismissal that was the closest thing they ever got to a “job well done.”

Afterwards they decided to eat lunch at a nearby café that faced a nice looking park.

The problem with being a spy, Cato mused silently, was that she never got to just observe her surroundings and enjoy them. Of course she was constantly aware of everything, but only really took in relevant information, stashing the rest for later.

She never really got the chance to sit down and watch everything around her for the sake of enjoying life. Across the road the park was full of people, some reading, some jogging, others simply strolling along. It was an absolutely gorgeous day to sit back and enjoy the mild weather.

Maybe their current assignment really was a good thing, and not the boring chore she had initially thought. Sitting there peacefully in the café with Mulligan was really bringing things into perspective for her.

Cato needed to spend a couple of weeks to recalibrate and re-center herself. Maybe she should take up yoga, or meditation. Focus on herself and check in with her life.

She hadn’t done that in a while. After college she had gotten in the habit of evaluating her life and assessing what things she needed to change and what things made her happy. That system of self-checking her progress had really worked for her at the time.

Sighing contentedly as she drunk the last of her coffee, Cato settled deeper into her seat. She was already looking forward to the peace and quiet the assignment offered.

“ _Holy shit_.”

Or maybe not.

“What’s up dude?” she asked, eyeing him carefully.

Mulligan was clutching his phone; the knuckles she’d seen knock the shit out of multiple men gripping at the tiny electronic. His shoulders were tense and he was leaning forward reading something rapidly on the screen in front of him. Honestly this was the most agitated she had ever seen him.

“Oh my god how could this happen?” he hissed, passing a hand through his hair.

“What happened?” she prodded again, keeping her voice calm and leveled.

“Remember that green car from earlier?” Mulligan answered, finally turning to face Cato.

“The one we saw twice? Yeah.”

“Turns out that was James Madison’s car,” Cato had to quickly go through her memory in order to remember who exactly that was, “and he recognized me! The bastard took picture of us kissing and sent them to Jefferson!”

She didn’t need to remember who that was. The Virginian politician was infamous in the intelligence community. He fancied himself a spy with all the dirt he had on pretty much everyone, but the fact of the matter was he was a bit of a joke among spies.

“And what did he do?” she asked carefully, already anticipating what the answer would be.

“He sent the pictures to Alexander.”

“Well shit.” Cato breathed out, her suspicions confirmed. “We need to get you home right now.”

Of course that was easier said than done considering the drive from Fairfax to New York was four hours. Four long, nerve racking hours.

Every minute that passed seemed to add more tension in Mulligan. He was furiously texting his partners in an attempt to calm them down. It didn’t seem to be working either, because his cellphone was buzzing nonstop.

Two hours into the drive Cato decided speed limits were for chumps and that the office could probably pay for any fines she got. Mulligan seemed lost in his own world of anxiety and panic.

“Mulligan, dude talk to me.”

“Alexander is sending me entire paragraphs over our group chat about how much of a lowlife I am.”

“Will calling one of them make things better?”

“Probably not.”

Cato grimaced in sympathy, placing a comforting hand on Mulligan’s shoulder. It sucked when your job got in the way of your personal life. It must be especially difficult for her partner because he lives for those three.

The first time Mulligan had kissed one of them Cato had had to hear about it for days. She’d been through the rollercoaster ride of their relationship since the beginning; so seeing him so anxious and nervous was starting to distress her as well.

“Okay we’ll be at your home in a little less than an hour. Hopefully they won’t have thrown all your shit out the window by the time we get there.”

Mulligan didn’t laugh, she didn’t blame him.

When they got to the apartment, Mulligan had regained control of his emotions. At least for the time being, and appeared only slightly nervous. Of course Cato knew that was a lie but she wasn’t about to point it out to him.

“What’s the plan?” she asked uncertainly as she stepped into the lobby of the building.

“Stay down here because I might need a place to crash tonight.” Mulligan said somberly as he made his way to the staircase, Cato following a few paces behind.

“Hey dude don’t think like that, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” She comforted him as they stopped in front of the staircase. Smiling comfortingly, she tried to convey as much calm reassurance as she could.

It was more than a little disorienting seeing Mulligan this off kilter. During missions and assignments, he was always calm and professional, but a spy was generally two completely different people at work than at home.

“Okay so just don’t make any-”

“ _Mulligan_!” A tall dark skinned person shouted out from the top of the stairs. Judging from the French pronunciation, Cato assumed that was Lafayette.

“Darling I-”

“Where is he?!” Another voice cut in, right before a shorter man with a nest of thick curls on his head popped up behind the Frenchman.

“John I-”

“You better have a good fucking excuse lined up.” the missing boyfriend growled, appearing between the other two. Seeing them all standing at the top of the stairs, it was easy to understand her partner’s dedication to the fierce trio. They looked ready to rip him a new one.

Well either that or start crying.

“Listen-”

“Think carefully about your words Hercules or I swear to god you’ll regret-”

Cato hadn’t meant to laugh. Honestly she hadn’t. But the quick bark of laughter that ha bubbled up so violently inside her had been too much to hold back.

“I’m sorry I…” she started, pausing to lower her voice. “I thought you were lying about your name.”

“Why…” Mulligan started, disbelief so clear in every fiber of his being that it almost stopped the anger that settled in afterwards. “Why the fuck would I lie about my name?”

“I thought you were kidding.”

“Oh my god.”

The next couple of minutes passed in a flash. Honestly if Cato had been inclined to actively participate in the situation, she would have done something about the Spanish inquisition style interrogation the three civilians were subjecting Hercules (fucking really) to. But she wasn’t going to do anything until he wanted her to.

The original plan had been for her to stay downstairs after all.

She was there as a supporting role, would act only when Mulligan signaled her to, and would soon be on her way once it was over. She deeply regreted laughing though, but it had escaped her completely. Things could be a lot less strained if she had kept her mouth shut.

As it was, wild accusations were being thrown around; which Mulligan was doing his best to defend himself from. Lying obviously came naturally to a spy, but the more personal, emotional nature of the argument was getting to him.

That and three against one wasn’t the best of odds.

The more the “conversation” progressed, the more emotional Mulligan got. Less capable of defending himself and closer and closer to tears. At least that’s what Cato suspected, to a stranger he must have looked only mildly agitated; but a stranger hadn’t spent three years working with him on the field.

Occasionally the civilians would throw her a distrustful look, an accusing glare, or an outright sneer.

After ten minutes of the barrage she decided to intervene.

“Maybe you should let us explain?” She cut in, using the same tone of voice her grandmother used when the family meetings got out of hand.

Obviously it worked because everyone fell silent. Sending a thank you to her _abuela_ in heaven, she cast a glance at Mulligan. What she saw revealed her suspicions to be true; the famous tailor spy needed her help. He was in no state to come up with a convincing lie.

“Mulligan was helping me get back at my ex.” Cato lied, slumping her shoulder slightly but staring at the three civilians directly. She made sure to make her lower lip quiver a little, as though she was going to break out into tears.

This seemed to work for a second, all three of them quickly coming down from their anger. But just as quickly became cautious. She’d have to work with that, really play up the heartbroken girl persona.

“I broke up with Katya a month ago,” she lowered her gaze now, making her eyes tear up. “She’d been using me to get a green card.” Cato made sure to push the ‘used’, bringing all the attention to her and not Mulligan. “I know I shouldn’t have pulled the stunt I did but I just wanted her to think I was over it, that she was just another page in my history.”

She made her voice crack towards the end, willing the tears to flood into her eyes. Scrunching up her hands in her jacket, she quickly wiped her eyes and sneakily observed her audience.

They were eating it up.

“I’m sorry, I…” she sniffled here, pretending to desperately wipe away the tears. “You guys just care so much about Mulligan. I mean why else would you be so mad? If I’d known this is what would happen I would have _never-_ ”

She cut herself off with another snivel. It was remarkably easier to lie when you used your own emotions to embellish the lie. She really did mean that last part.

Another quick look at her audience revealed the success of her little act. Mulligan also seemed to have recovered enough to take control of the situation. It was time for her to go.

“I’m sorry I’ve done enough I’ll just…” she motioned awkwardly towards the door, quickly making her way towards it.

She got all the way to the front door before someone stopped her. It was the short Caribbean one, Alexander.

He stopped her with a gentle hand and a soft look. Up close, the man really did have impressive bags under his eyes.

“We never asked you your name.” he said, voice as soft as his gaze. A total one eighty from the glares he had been sending her not even five minutes before.

“Cato.” She answered, her surprise at the inquiry entirely her own. “Yessika Cato.”

“Well Yessika I’m sorry about Katya,” God she probably should have used a fake name, “I’m sorry we blew off the handle in there.”

“No, no, I really shouldn’t have pressured Hercules into doing that.” She’d never get used to that name, god it was so ridiculous.

“Listen, I think we all got off on the wrong foot and I don’t want you leaving thinking Herc’s boyfriends are a bunch of psychos. How ‘bout you come have dinner with us Friday, we can start over again.” Alexander smiled hopefully.

His big brown eyes were nothing and everything like Mulligan had described countless times. They were intelligent and sharp and practically impossible to say no to.

Surely a single dinner with her partner’s family couldn’t hurt.

“Sure,” she nodded, returning the smile genuinely.

Cato wasn’t too sure how things would play out from there, but she knew that at the very least it would be interesting.

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the same universe as my other fic (thanksgiving in the south) which i should probably update, but this sort of needed to be written i guess  
> I actually just wanted an excuse to introduce Cato and Herc's life as a spy!   
> In this AU Laf is a yoga instructor and got together with Herc before they met the other two. 
> 
> Anyway hope you liked my fic! I'm open to any comments, criticisms and anything else you feel like throwing at me! :D


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